if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
the family i'm sitting with looks like the Addams family. Except for the daughter...she looks like Shrek
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
Just set all my clocks a minute apart. Now my 4:20 is longer by sixfold
we were holding hands throwing up into the same garbage can; if thats not true love i dont know what is .
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
I told her my blood type was O Positive and we started making out. Bio majors are weird.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
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