it was like brushing your tongue but with a fucking long toothbrush.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
youre not allowed to be friends with girls ive double teamed. period.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
ttyl tear gas
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
Turns out the owner of the bar that I fucked used to be on Boy Meets World, but now he's old and bald. So there's that..
I got into the shower with my underwear on. I just sat down in the tub and tried to figure out when I lost all control of this hangover.
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Randomize