I was so high I couldn't tell if they were goosebumps or herpes.
better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
I found him on the floor in the kitchen eating cheese and tomato. I mean a block of cheese and whole tomatoes, he was alternating. Thats why your cheese has teeth marks.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I have a corndog on my dresser and a trashcan of puke. Thanks for a great night!
We can't do acid Disneyworld.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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