that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
I'm sorry for not being sorry about whatever shit I did to you when you were annoying and I was drunk. That is all.
Is it socially acceptable to stop at the strip club for the lunch buffet on my way to the airport?
At first I was a little embarrassed for sharting, but then i realized it was a bachelor party, and I went balls to the wall
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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