Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
this isnt the first time ive seen her dressed as abe lincoln
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
Nothing says I love you like a silicone dragon dick
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
I guess it's too forward to greet him with a blow job?
breakfast this morning: omelette, Valium and baileys hot chocolate
Now that sounds like the breakfast of champions
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Drunk me made cabbage burritos at 1am after going to hustler hollywood.\nI bought socks. Lol
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