I feel like abortions should bother me more
i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I don't know if you realize how depressing it is to get your card denied....when you're only spending $4.
I'm pretty sure you thought I could absorb alcohol through my dress
Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
Is someone on their way here yet? I'm way too tweaked to be here alone
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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