if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Now there's vomit covered trash all over the front lawn. I feel accomplished
oh hey summer self, welcome to endless thirsty thursdays and walks of shame.
if we dont hook up this weekend, im doing both his roommates
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
That man gives me hope. I can't help it. And by "hope" I mean "wood."
At some point during thanksgiving the image of me pooping on ur moms chest will come to you. Your welcome!
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
TYLER OWES ME SO MUCH
I LET A CREEPY MAN I DONT KNOW SUCK ON MY NIPPLES
He drove over an hour to get this shit done. I guess i win the golden vagina award tonight
You were staring right at you dick at the urinals, then looked at all the other guys dicks and fist pumped saying "I win!"
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
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