He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.
I crawled out his bedroom window, forgetting he lives in a split level and there is a 10 foot drop back there. I had to text him to come help me I twisted my ankle.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
My life is a clusterfuck of men and disorderly priorities right meow.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I mean, if you want to light yourself on fire for maximum accuracy, far be it from me to stop you
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
She looked up and said "I like this." I asked "what do you like?" she said "penis."
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