If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Yep, that just happened. My mom just gave me a big bag of drugs for my birthday. She even put them in a fancy bag with tissue paper.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
It was platonic naked porno viewing, I swear.
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