Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
I just made a drink so ill shit. It's goona be great. Ill tell you about it when you get here. Get pumped. For my shit.
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Too much dab too little lung dying 😵😵😵
I don't suppose you have a recipe for a cocktail made of bitter resignation, regretting everything, poor life descisions and deep-seated self-loathing?
i asked your drunk ass where the fuck you were going and you screamed “WENDY’S BITCH”.
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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