I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
how do you tell a roommate that having sex on your bottom bunk is not appropriate even if she has a top bunk that's hard to climb to?
At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
Just registered some guy for opium withdrawals. WTF opium withdrawals, who does opium anymore.
1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.
I just saw that cheerleader from u of arkansas that I hooked up with over spring break on espn. My parents would be so proud.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Lol no. She's home safe. You forget she is too pretty to get arrested.
I think if my mom ever finds out about my nipple piercings I'll just be like "mom, tbh it's a sex thing"
She's lucky her pussy is worth listening to her ramble about bedroom furniture for 30 minutes
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Also I think I set a new personal record. Definitely slept with him less than 45 minutes after meeting him. Oh god my life.
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