Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...
And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
did mom hear me barking???
oooooh yeah. good luck explaining that one
sooo high. sooo many dog friends
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
apparently my new 420 ritual is to look at the clock at 4:20 and realize i'm already too high
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Hi please disregard the last text and if you'd like our entire interaction
Done
I apparently got up in the middle of the night after fucking him and started looking for you under piles of his clothing
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
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