i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
State dependent memory. I just needed to feel my teeth. It was like a fog was lifted.
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Speaking of mom and dad and Halloween... Mom bought a size small slutty nurse outfit last night. So yeah, they're getting hammered
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
I don’t know what language he speaks but I know my boobs will translate just fine
I’m looking forward to few days of international relations
Randomize
