I woke up at 7am naked in my bathtub with the shower running. My apartment was so full of steam that my ceiling was dripping. Who thought it would be okay for me to get my own place, anyway?
I thought short asians scared me, however seeing my first tall asian I'm terrified.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
Can you please reassure him im not a scary or intimidating person? And that really my entire life is a series of completely ridiculous events that have led me here?
It's amazing how not interested in talking to him I am since I've decided that he probably has chlamydia.
Sex-sore abs and my workout pants have gravel stains on the knees. It's like the workout of shame.
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
tried to suck my ex boyfriends dick last night at a bar... Happy homecoming from me to you
sorry for the random call. He stopped mid-sex because he wanted confirmation that I was really a reverend.
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
She couldn't find her toothbrush so I had to wait while she sucked on the 12 peppermints she found under the couch. Pretty resourceful for her level of intoxication.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
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