Ok let's jusst not talk today bc then we'll just do dangerous things but I'll say hello
He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.
apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him
You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?
You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.
Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.
Do you know how to give stiches?
I do not...this text concerns me
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
with great strapon comes great responsibility.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
Go have sex with him right now! Drunk sex is the best sex.
I know but these gold fish are so much better
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
