Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
someone owes me an orgasm
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
I locked the porch door but I left a spare key on top of the keg on the side of the house
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
I've counted 3,503 loops of fabric on my carpet so far. FUCK YOU ACID!!!
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
And then he dove into my vagina like scrooge mcduck into a room of gold
My date ended with her leaving the bar with that guy who used to jerk off in the back of the school bus.
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
All I have in my purse is 10 cents and a plastic ducky.\nI can't explain last night.
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
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