Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
my grandmother thought she vaccuumed up a quarter so she made me open the bag, dump it out on her front lawn, and dig through it. no quarter.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
I faked it too. I just spit on your bed.
He googled the address of the bar, then sent me a text saying "6.3 miles. Too far. :( Apparently I am only worth a 5 mile radius.
This was just another one of those days you wished you had a penis-size indicator instead of wasting your time isn't it?
I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner
Soooo, coming over soon?
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
So I bring Danny back to the apartment for the first time and my roommate is curled up in the beanbag in the middle of the floor, wearing nothing but her uggs, high out of her mind and watching Harry potter... She offered us kettle corn.
He asked if he could come over tomorrow....
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
ps why does my dog smell like popcorn and a dryer sheet..?
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