my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
no. i just ate a whole thing of hot dogs. me and regret are sleepng alone tonigh.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
I remember nothing of last night, but I did manage to figure out which frats I went to by the trails of straw across campus.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Legitimately sent a work email with "Hey, you kids, get off my lawn" as the subject line.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Smargarita sloshedurday tomorrow around 2
Bring a helmet for your liver
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
Randomize
