Is it weird that we showed each other our pussy's and pointed out the good and bad things about each others??
Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
I can't even properly respond cuz I'm ballsdeep in falafel
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
You aren't truly friends with someone until you play drinking games via text at 8:30 in the morning.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
If dispatch calls for us tell them I'm having a significant emotional event in the restroom
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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