I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
A stripper just got mad at me for saying goddammit. She's in no position to lecture me on morality
My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.
It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I was stalking his twitter and saw that he used punctuation in a hashtag. Thank god we didn't work out because I can't be with someone that incompetent
My TA is here with a sombrero and an entire bottle of Svedka. Skip jury duty.
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Damn it. Can't order pizza. Can't do the hot tub. No one to invite over for loud, kinky sex. What's the point of being here alone?!
how should I feel if a guy kept complimenting my bangs while I was giving him a blowjob?
How did the test come back?
I've never been so happy to have a yeast infection. And i got a free pack of birth control
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