life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
Have you finally orgasmed yet?
You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
ur penis kinda felt like a vagina to me
i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"
Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.
well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
STOP LICKING HIS MUSTACHE
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
The moment I was petting the giraffe was the moment I passed out
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
They left a cherry picker with the keys in it on a college campus, what else were we supposed to do?
Randomize
