You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
I googled Canada's legal age of consent. I have good news. It's 14. Justin Bieber here I come...
so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
Just watched a guy get through airport security with a full bottle of captain morgan. In my head the entire airport cheered.
Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.
I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He also needs to focus on not being such a little bitch, but that's none of my business.
Here's a tip: do NOT chant "MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS. MATTHEWS." during sex because the Packers won against the Giants.
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
Unless it has to do with ramen, goldfish, cheese, or rugby, don't talk to me.
Randomize
