I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
I just want to be naked all the time but not in a sexual, come-hither and look at my ass sort of way. In a slightly chubby yet not ashamed way as I eat Taco Bell and lay on soft fuzzy blankets.
Naw but when she was in the bathroom I threw the condom out the window and I'm pretty sure it hit some girl
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
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