Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs
im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
he thought it would be funny to put his dick inside a beer bottle and wear it around. until we all realized how small his dick would have to be to fit in a beer bottle
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
All I remember is allowing my uber driver to pull over on the side of the road to give me a massage. I was alone
It's like the hunger games, but we're gonna bone each other instead of kill each other
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
I just found an old slice of LIME in my wallet?????????
Randomize
