She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.
I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
I'm back here naked if anyones wondering
Just saw a midget on an elliptical. Epic.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Btw I did not technically have a dick in me but I was naked in bed with a man during the last finals game so that is why the Warriors won
Your phone just changed "liver" to "liquor" how dose that make you feel
I'm using emojis for drug deals now. It's time to kill me.
I am sweating Crown. It all went wrong when the ratio hit 50-50
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
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