Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?
its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin
It was a sobriety test blowjob. If he could get it up, he could get me home.
I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?
My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.
I fucking hate you.
Trying to find a reliable dealer on Rockfordmugshots.com. Guy arrested for 15 grams of coke could be him !
You realize those people have been ARRESTED recently. right.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
in a last ditch attempt to make life awkward after i die today i want to be buried naked and have an open casket funeral.
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
As I was puking, these 2 guys started peeing next to me chanting me on
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
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