Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
In case you were wondering, it hurts when the bouncer throws your phone at you after kicking you out of the strip club for taking pictures.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
I never want to do this again, I'm going to chew off several fingers and apply for disability
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He told me that when he bends me over that chair I remind him of a bull rider. So thanks for being the ex that helps my present sex life
But like it was sooo bad! At one point he tried to flip me over and he fell off the bed
Oh man I knew I took that Molly too soon, talkin to some Scottish people lol but don’t like rollin in pizza restaurants.
No I'm not lying to you. I'm just not telling you the whole story. There's a massive difference.
Randomize
