Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?
I did the walk of shame to church this morning.
hooker boots and all?
Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.
He left an apology note saying he had to work and that there was coffee, OJ and food on the table with two Excedrin. I left his spare key with the door guard and she said "too bad I don't go for skinny white boys or I'd jump you both!" Best one night stand ever.
Please collect your boy friend. He semi-passed out on the couch and trying to grab bums as people walk by. Anyone's bum, he's not choosy.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
A valentines day commercial would come on while I'm masturbating...
He asked if I had any questions. Apparently, "how thick is the stick up your ass" was not a correct question.
Failing this, see a doctor for elephant tranquillisers, to be taken with whiskey orally, twice at dawn.
Randomize
