I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"
I think I won the penis lottery.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
Lying naked in bed eating carrot cake of off my bare breasts while watching Family Guy. Tonsilitis isn't all bad!
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
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