If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
I see lights
Your drunk and in times square. Time to take the 2 train home.
....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
somedays, I wish the drugs you give me would convince me they were a bad idea preingestion.
where's the fun in that?
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
These kids are nice. Shrooms make everything so nice.
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
Crying on the toilet and taking a shit. This is what being an adult is about
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I'm just the girl with the breathalyzer keychain, and I embrace that.
Is it sacrilegious to take tequila shots on Saint Patrick's day?
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