I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.
if i could have babies with my dog i totally would cause i know thay would be fucking hott babies.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
After he came, I wiped my mouth on my baby blanket. I could feel nana rolling over in her grave.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
For future reference.... When you take a beer out of a 6pack... You don't insert your phone as a substitute.
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Tempted to tell the Titos promoters at this bar that they are doing the lords work.
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
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