i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.
Recently successful and happy relationships are at an all time high now that you are no longer fucking so many peoples girlfriends. You alone have changed the mating patterns in the lower half of our county.
You need to stop relating my life to your schoolwork. But tell my girlfriend that she'd be proud.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
Lets just make a point system, like if we have sex add a point, if they leave after take away a point, if they stay all fucking day take away a point
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
What happened?
New Orleans
Every time
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
Randomize
