none of my boyfriends are responding right now, I thought I had enough to avoid this problem
he is fucking friends with his exwife on facebook, but he defriends me after 3 dates? am i that crazy?
he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
The Mets? Come back? That'd be like Nickelback writing a good song.
i havent thrown up in four monthes, im clearly not drinking enough
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
You took photos of my underwear around London the day after! THAT was too soon.
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
Just rode a bull topless for a free bar tap for a month
He was my first marine! I wanna remember his name!
Can you cover for me after lunch? I’ve never seen a guy who cums as much as my new Side Dick so now I need to clean the house before my husband gets home
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