I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.
we black-lighted her bedspread and it looked like a jackson pollock painting.
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
Always thought my first night in jail would consist of fire and a bunny suit.
Hypothetically speaking, what is the proper response if one gets bitten by a most likely not rabid squirrel? Hypothetically.
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
I got really upset about missing him last night when I was demonstrating penis sizes of the people I've slept with using a tape measurer to my roommates
Sometimes in life you just have to realize the security deposit isn't worth it.
I'm not talking about Donald Trump in the midst of sending you nudes
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
