you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
I spilt beer on the table, and she quickly got a straw and yelled party foul and made me drink it.
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
