the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life
Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
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