She has HUUUUUUUGE nipples
i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
The first thing they saw when they walked in was all four of our std test's hangin on the fridge....i'd be worried if they didn't think we were sluts
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"
Well I mean enduring a 45 minute conversation about C-sections was worth the 9 jello shots those soccer moms gave me.
Had to walk of shame past Westminster Abbey this morning. Pretty sure a Japanese tourist took a photo of me.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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