what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
my favorite part of the night was when I was in the bathroom frantically trying to get my cat whiskers and nose off to make hooking up less awkward
Nothing sez sunday morning like waking up in a phonebooth with a leg cramp.
I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Oh man. Realized I was high when I realized how long I'd been watching Roseanne
I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
It's a good thing he's hot, because it seemed like he was trying to do CPR on my private parts
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
