Getting food. Want anything?
Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
he's having a long distance Facebook-coordinated power hour. the status update has 159 comments ...
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
How early is too early to start drinking when studying for the bar?
If someone tells me they're a paramedic, how inappropriate is it for me to ask what their save to kill ratio is?
She made me baby bird juul smoke to her while we were fucking
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
If I had a dollar for every functioning brain cell you had I would owe someone a lot of money
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