It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
You were in my dream and you got the lyrics to lollipop tattooed on your chest. Don't get it, it wasnt that cool.
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you
So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.
As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier
Where the royal fuck are you??
The depths of vodka hell.
Chipotle. Because when you've had diarrhea for 6 days why not just make it 7
He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
Somewhere on my work laptop I have a map visualizing all the area codes that Ludacris has ho's
I hope that wasn't done on billed time
I can guarantee that it was
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
Randomize
