she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...
He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.
He's the second guy this morning whose job is jeopardized because of my vagina.
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
We decided to try to steal hot dogs but it ended up with me punching him in the face and crying. Pretty solid night
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I'm peeing on your house...you up?
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
