You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
Word to the wise: learn how to ask "What is my bail posted as" in French before traveling abroad.
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
Dear future Eric, sorry about the Everclear. Sincerely, Eric +2 shots E.C.
Oh my god. You have got to get off that breast feeding support group. They're on to you, dude.
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Commuter bitches be judging your sister and her bag fulla wine. It's a motherfucking rosé, bitch!
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just want to give face wipes a shout out for being there when im too tired or high to wash my face at night
Does she know she is talking to people who slam shots of fireball and chase it with vodka?
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
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