Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I just pull a splinter from the head of my penis. It was a rough night.
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
Well duh, alcohol and getting fucked up are the world's common languages.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
time out. can we just pause the wholesome understanding friendship thing and be fuck buddies for a night?
we need a secret handshake
I will go to bed dreaming of sexy Olympians carting me on a throne to the beach where they feed me pizza and champaign and massage my head/wash it like the hair dresser does.
The cat just brought me a bottle opener. I think she's my soulmate.
I'd ask how but then you'd tell me.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
HILY FUCK HES HERE I HAVE MONISTAT IN ME HE SUPRISED ME
The dog peed on the neighbors baby Jesus. No wonder she thinks we're the devil.
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