Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)
Definitely just saw the guy I went on a date with Friday night dressed in medeival knight gear on the quad preparing for battle. Oh my God.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
we found him. outside on the balcony, sitting on a bucket, with his pants off, swearing he was'nt taking a dump
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
He told me to be careful with the shrooms because he mostly had caps left. He sounded apologetic but that's the best news all week.
DID YOU DO SOMETHING WITH THE DEAD ROACH IN THE KITCHEN? OR DID IT LAZARUS?
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
HE LITERALLY JUST PEED IN MY ROOM IDK WHAT TO DO HELP
Duck, Duck, Goose is now the autocorrect, safe for work version of fuck, fuck, loose.
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
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