I am a bulletproof tiger!
Haha. Nice, be careful tonight.
I'm gonna have to get my windshield replaced. Is the keg beat?
First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
So I guess I bought a cat last night. Fuuuccckkk.
Before you jump in that vagina remember there's a reason we call her Infectonator.
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
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