A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
Vanilla vodka + chocolate soymilk does NOT equal an epic milkshake.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Kayla got stiches in her face. Rode in an ambulance shotgun. Tried to steal a baby, thought it was mine
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
You looked up at me and said "I'm getting a mattress made out of this SHIT. Goodbye certa hellllllllo concrete!" then you started counting sheep
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
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