look no pants
Hard rock hotel, wtf why am i still out, im gonna fuk 5 chix 2nite .maybe
My hot female boss's cubical is right next to mine with a wall between us. Do you think it is too forward to make a glory hole in the wall?
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I bought emergency contraception until I / we decide how to handle that. And target gave me a gift receipt for it. Awkward.
I AM SMARTER THAN EVERY FUCKBOY WHO HAS EVER SWIPED LEFT ON ME
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
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