Bridesmaid dress fitting. I look like a Weeble and Michelle looks like Malibu Barbie. I have to keep reminding myself that she has herpes so really, the playing field is more level than it might initially seem.
Yeah. We was talkin. Its ok. My bed is too filled with pam for sex. Its like a slip and slide of butter product.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.
just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
It was like giving head to a cactus.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Oh. Why can't it be something easy, like a punch card for blowjobs?
Oh and he asked if I would occasionally still blow him if we had children. It was so romantic.
she referred to her cum as “pussy butter” so needless to say we had a good night
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