Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
I can actually hear my brain cells scream as they die when she speaks.
It's like a mixture of two words
"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"
The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
oh my god. picked the worst day ever to not wear underwear...
I'm just gonna stop you right there because there is, in fact, no such thing.
You knew you'd end up at his house the minute you emptied the bowl of condoms into your purse.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
Hillary said in her victory speech "We're gonna come together". I've got a lib-boner.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
Randomize
