Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class
She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
My phone keeps autocorrecting to the "st. Natty's Day Parade" and I'm completely okay with that
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
I have like three friends I don't have sex with, what did you expect
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
I can't say too many people would say watching their drunk best friends fuck in a hot tub is very normal.
Randomize
