I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
How many gummy vitamins can I eat before I die
I may have made out with your roommate and your cousin tonight. In my defense I thought both of them were your cousin.
Randomize
