last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Hooked up with a 20 year old. Only reason I did was cos I thought he was 18
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
Randomize
