We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.
My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I have visions of guys in cheetah costumes with suits over it pissing on a children how are you
Sorry I sent you a video of a singing reverend last night, I was really high.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
why do i have a pole dance champion shot glass?
He chose me to be his birthday sex..theres a lot of pressure riding on this bang
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
I kinda just want to steal him and keep him forever
Randomize
