BEES IN MY FUCKING PANTS. HELP.
What can i say im a girl who smells like weiners.
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
The real reason I can't work: it's Tuesday. I get stoned and watch Buck Rodgers on Tuesday.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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